It's Not Really About Duck Dynasty: Thoughts on Tolerance

 As most people probably are, I'm breathing a sigh of relief that the probably-contrived Duck Dynasty kerfuffle seems to be ending (let's hope). Unless you've been living under a rock, you've heard about the comments Phil Robertson made about the LGBT community and have probably chosen one side or the other in the heated debate that has taken over this holiday season. Now that tempers have cooled, and attentions are waning, I'm relieved, but also disheartened at what I saw, read and heard. I'm left with a sense of desperate anger, and a wary sadness that I don't know what to do with.

It turns out that I'm guilty of naivete when it comes to this topic – somehow, I had cocooned myself in a bubble, carefully ignoring the bigotry and prejudice aimed at the homosexual community around me. I've always considered myself an advocate for LGBT rights, and with every State and Country that legalized same-sex marriage and/or civil unions this year, I fist-pumped in solidarity. I've been overly certain, you see, that the tides were turning, that those outdated, hateful attitudes towards gay people were becoming obsolete in the face of all of the new, positive changes overtaking the country. I haven't been blind to the still-too-rampant prejudices, but I suppose I just assumed they were waning, and that those hateful bigots were a dying breed – a last-ditch attempt to try and spoil the party, but an ultimately unsuccessful one.

So, when the Phil Robertson story broke, I snickered, and re-posted the article with a laugh. “What an idiot,” I thought to myself with a smile. “They'll rip him apart. I can't wait to see the adoring masses turn on him and his stupid show.” There wasn't a question in my mind that he would lose favor with his fans and that there would be a huge boycott of anything related to Duck Dynasty. I read the article in full, grimaced at all the homophobic and racist comments he made, then I closed it, not giving it another thought. See, I don't watch the show, and I'm not really a fan of the series. I have no real stake in what he says, and I didn't care all that much at the time. I read it, re-posted it, and it was promptly forgotten. Phil Robertson is, or should I say, was, barely a blip on my radar. The bigoted musings of a phony, concocted “redneck” reality tv star was more amusing to me than alarming. I figured everyone would be equally disgusted and bemused.

I was very wrong. I was in the car rider line, picking up my son from school, when I re-posted the silly story from my phone. By the time I got home, I had multiple comments on the post and several private messages from people who wanted to debate the issue. Other than a couple of people, almost everyone who engaged me on the topic were pro-Phil Robertson, and were vehemently defending not only his right to speak out, but the actual comments themselves. For the most part, the debate that happened on my Facebook wall was pretty civil, to my friends' credit. But nonetheless, I was shocked, and incredibly saddened to see so many people rallying around such bigotry. Further, they were using Biblical quotes and Christian ideals to back up his idiotic and hateful statements. After a while, I had to step away from the thread and take a break. And that was only on the first day, the afternoon that the story broke. The next few days were enough to make me physically ill. I took a break from social media all together for a while, since everywhere I turned was filled with arguments, mocking and hate-filled diatribes, memes of Phil Robertson covered in Bible verses that were totally taken out of context, article after article about “free speech”, what it means, the “War on Christmas” (because of course someone had to tie it in), and more homophobia and bigotry than I realized existed among my group of friends and family. People I thought were good friends were saying the most awful things, things that nearly made me cry. One post in particular said something along the lines of, “Phil Robertson's fan page has more 'likes' than Obamacare. Suck it, faggots.” I literally got sick after reading that one.

I don't know why I was surprised by it. It's not like I don't know from firsthand experience that homophobia exists, and that there are many people who will hide behind religion and/or politics to safely express their prejudices. I guess I just thought that it was fading away, becoming obsolete, and that those of us on the side of equality and unconditional love were “winning”. And I thought that I had protected myself better from those people who sought to hurt with their judgmental attitudes. Mostly, though, I was the most upset by the fact that so many people were quoting Bible verses (some of which don't actually exist in the Bible), to support their viewpoints. They actually had the gall to claim that Jesus himself would share their views. That Jesus himself would condemn a gay person. Even after the Pope himself made comments to the contrary, still these people would claim that God hates Gays and that Gays are Sinners and that Phil Robertson didn't say anything hateful, mocking or rude at all – he was just expressing his god-given right to an opinion as an upstanding, Christian citizen of this Country. I couldn't believe it. I still can't.

It isn't what Phil Robertson said that has me upset – I still maintain that I couldn't care less about what the man says, and I suspect the whole thing was a carefully contrived publicity stunt anyway. It's not him, or his ghastly interview that broke my heart. It was the attitude of those around me, those I love, the sheer intolerance, ignorance and misplaced pride in those who I thought knew better, that broke it.

I studied Religion in college, and I've read the Bible from cover to cover many times in my life. When I was younger, I made a study of Jesus. Even though I don't identify as Christian anymore, I still hold to Jesus' views when it comes to many things. He was an admirable man, a man worth reading up on. He said and did so many things that are a shining example of how we should all behave in this world. Jesus taught the message of unconditional love, and he also taught that you should never judge a person, unless you want to be judged yourself. He said to love your enemy, whoever that might be, and that if someone hurts you, to never act in retaliation. Literally every message he ever gave was about acceptance, tolerance, love and selflessness. Nowhere is it documented that he wanted his followers to be obsessed with the salvation of others, to judge people, to offer mocking and critical opinions of others' lives, or to be caught up in the gleeful celebration of condemnation of others. I imagine he would look to that sort of display and find it vulgar, ungodly, and sinful.

Jesus never said one word about homosexuality. The only slight mention of it is in the Old Testament, along with a lot of other guidelines that modern-day Christians carefully ignore, like the fact that you shouldn't eat pork, or wear mixed fabrics; you should keep your beard trimmed at all times (looking at you, Robertson), and some truly primitive views on premarital sex, marriage and child-rearing. We don't pay attention to most of those passages because we recognize them as outdated and out of context with our modern lives. And yet, so many people cling to that one tiny, probably misinterpreted passage about homosexuality, because it allows them to be bigots without repercussions.

Here's the thing. The Bible says a lot of things. A lot of really sensible, important things. Here's one:

"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." - Matthew 7:1-5

And another:

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” - Colossians 3:12

And another:

“And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone...[at her.]” - John 8:7

And finally, my favorite:

“Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.” - 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

The way I've always seen it, to walk in the path of Christ is to love everyone equally and unconditionally, reserving your right to judge anyone, lest you be judged in turn. A true Christian is humble, giving, kind and compassionate, even to those whose salvation may be in question (though that should always be left up to God, and a true Christian should not concern themselves with the salvation of others, beyond spreading the word). To be Christ-like is to love, without fail, without pride, without expectation or condition. Simply, to love. Anything negative, mocking, judging, or proud is not an example of Christ. It just isn't.

I'm grateful to my Christian friends who uphold this view, and who live their lives accordingly. They are an example of what it means to be good, and they repair the damage done by others who spread messages of hate. I'm grateful for the Pope and his message of tolerance and unity; I hope that he will continue to spread more open-minded and inclusive ideas amongst the Catholic church, and that its followers will begin to adopt the same ideology. Despite this setback, I am still hopeful that LGBT youth will continue to see more acceptance and tolerance, and that the country will continue on a path of equality.

The Phil Robertsons of the world may be loud, and they may be popular among certain crowds, but they do not truly represent all of us. They do not represent the core values so many of us cherish – unconditional love, empathy, compassion, unity and respect. For those people who still uphold those ideals, you have my respect. For those who have fallen victim to the cult of personality, and have lost the true spirit of Christianity, I can only hope you find your way back. The Bible also says, after all, to beware of false prophets.

A family member of mine said it best of all, “Before you throw all your stones, might want to make sure Phil Robertson has a seat saved for you in Heaven. Just in case.” And another infinitely wise duo, Bill and Ted: “Be excellent to each another.”

A Round Up

So, as you can probably guess, I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the case in Steubenville. I haven't as yet written them all down concisely, because it's been a doozy of a week already, and quite frankly, I'm tired. Us soapbox jumpers get exhausted sometimes, I can tell you. One day soon I'll write up all my feelings and thoughts about rape culture, misognysts, victim blamers, rape apologists and double standards, but today is not that day. I plan to go outside today and do some gardening and try my best to not think about Steubenville and how depressing it is.

There are probably a dozen of really great articles and blog posts I have read over the past week that talk about Steubenville and articulate my feelings on the subject. I'm linking two of the really good ones here for you all to read. I highly recommend you read both, because they are spot on.

I Am Not Your Wife, Your Sister, or Daughter. I Am a Person.

Great blog post that talks about how we try to use the whole, "What if she were your wife, or your sister?" argument to try and humanize victims and make people see the error in their ways, and why it isn't really the best idea. Good read.

Prevent Another Steubenville: What All Mothers Must Do for Their Sons

This, from the Huffington Post, really spoke to me a great deal, as the Mother of a young son. It talks about how the responsibility lies with us, the parents of young boys, to teach our children to be compassionate, to treat each other with kindness, and to always be empathetic and kind. You know, so they don't grow up to be rapists.

Let's hope the next blog post can focus on happier subject matter. For now, these are thought provoking pieces that I hope you'll all take the time to read.

A "Real" Woman Does What?

Today I'm going to vent about something that gets my ire up a bit. This week, the author of the "Twilight" saga, Stephanie Meyer, said that she identifies as a feminist. I'm ambivalent towards Meyer and her work (The "Twilight" saga isn't my favorite, I'll admit), but I was pleased to hear her identify as a feminist. It seems too often female celebrities and women of note are shy to use that term to describe themselves, for fear of how it makes them look, or because they are worried about alienating a male fan base. I always applaud women in the media who are unafraid to embrace feminism, because it can only help the cause.

Of course, there are plenty of people who were irritated by Meyer's statement, who argue that Bella Swan, the heroine in the Twilight books, is anything but a feminist. They argue that her entire identity is based on the two men in her life, that she wants nothing more than to be a wife and a mother, that she has no backbone or self-confidence. I actually disagree to an extent. Just to state it again, I am no fan of Twilight, and I find Bella Swan to be a pretty insipid character in a book chock full of them, but I do think there are aspects of her character that are strong. She knows what she wants, and she gets it, regardless of the opinion of the men in her life (her Father, Edward, Jacob). She bristles at being viewed as anything "weak". She goes to the ends of the earth to take care of the people she loves. Yes, she's simpering and whiny and takes a lot of controlling behavior from Edward, but there are also many positive aspects to her character, especially as the story progresses.

Enough about Twilight. I haven't even read beyond the first book, so I'm not trying to write a glorious review of Meyer's work. I'm just simply saying that to blast Meyer for calling herself a feminist is ridiculous and unfair. I really take issue with women telling other women they can't be feminists, or that certain qualities in their lives, their work, their families, etc somehow disqualify them from being a "true" feminist.

Which brings me to the next thing I'd like to talk about. A friend of mine linked this article by Kate Harding to her Facebook page last week, entitled: "Why I Lose My Mind Every Time We Have The Name Conversation". The author talks about how marriage is in itself a traditionally non-feminist lifestyle choice, but how occasionally feminists DO take part in non-feminist actions, and it doesn't make us any less feminist. The article is great. You should read it.

It did lead to a somewhat spirited conversation between my peers about "taking your husband's name", and why so many women still feel the need to change their surname when they get married. Some people argued that if you get married and take your husband's name, you can't really call yourself a feminist because what you're doing is so anti-feminist. You're essentially labeling yourself as property of your husband.

I really, really disagree with that.

For the record, I kind of took my husband's name. I compromised and hyphenated my maiden name with his last name, giving myself one of those long, drawn out, annoying last names that people in customer service hate having to deal with. I end up having to spell everything out on the phone no less than three times and usually the hyphen screws with their computer system. I wasn't particularly enthused about taking my husband's last name, but I did feel that it was important to me personally to have the same last name as any future children I might have. So I made the decision to hyphenate my two last names. It also felt like I was honoring the joining of my family and his, in a way.

Was taking his last name non-feminist? Okay, I'll give you that. If you look at it from a historical, patriarchal standpoint, taking the last name of your husband upon marriage is pretty backwards. It's definitely not pro-feminism. But just because an act once had a certain meaning or stigma, does that mean it always has to? There are myriad reasons that women change their names - they may like their husband's last name better, it may be easier to spell, they may not be close with their parents and don't want to carry the family name, or maybe they just want to have the same last name as their future children. Maybe they didn't think that much about it and just did it on autopilot, because "that's what you do". Is the act non-feminist? Sure. Is it ANTI-feminist? No. Does it mean the woman in question ISN'T a feminist? Absolutely not.

To quote the article by Kate Harding that I linked to above:

"...I don’t believe a feminist is defined as someone who never, ever makes a non-feminist, or even downright anti-feminist choice."

Kate is absolutely right here. There are plenty of things that women do day to day that may or may not be considered feminist. Simply because they don't know, or maybe they don't care. It could be argued that painting your nails or choosing to listen to Taylor Swift aren't feminist. I think it's ridiculous, but there are certainly people who argue those points.

Feminism is simply this: If you believe that women should be equal to men, and have the same rights and respect as our male peers, then you're a feminist. High fives. Welcome to the club. Beyond that, I don't care if you paint your nails or love romcoms or love or hate Rihanna and Taylor Swift, or if you take your husband's name or are fervently against taking your husband's name. I don't care if you're straight or gay, if you love the color pink, if you're a vegan or a meat eater, if you're Christian or Pagan or Buddhist or an atheist, if you are fat or thin or republican or democrat or if you've had a hundred sexual partners or zero sexual partners. None of that is important to me, and none of it is my business. It is not your responsibility to prove to me that you're a feminist. And it isn't my right to question you if you fall outside my personal opinions of what a feminist should be.

"Feminism is just about equality, really, and there's so much stuff attached to the word, when it's actually so simple. I don't know why it's always so bogged down." - Mia Wasikowska

Every time we put on our judgy hats and start questioning the choices other women make, we strip them of their autonomy. We're doing just as much harm as the patriarchy does, in some ways. Instead of giving women impossible expectations to live up to, why not redefine these old institutions, and celebrate women making choices however they see fit? The more we cluck and judge other women, the less we are taken seriously as a whole. Not one of us are the same. Let's celebrate that, and move forward in the spirit of acceptance.

International Women's Day

I'm celebrating being a fantastic female today, and reflecting on amazing women who have inspired and supported me. Who are your lady heroes?

Spread the Word to END the Word!

Growing up, I lived in a pretty lenient household when it came to expressing myself. I wasn't scolded or punished for using the odd "curse" word when I skinned my knee or got really angry. I was encouraged to speak my mind, and express myself in regards to whatever I felt. Of course, I was taught manners and didn't just let the curses fly willy nilly, but I was far from a perfect kid when it came to language. There was one exception: a word that I was never, EVER allowed to say.

I remember once, riding in the car with my Dad, coming home from some after school activity. I was telling him about a fellow student I didn't like, and describing their annoying behavior. "He's such a retard," I said, bringing my arm inward and tapping the edge of my palm on my chest several times, a gesture to emphasize my point. 

I had never seen my Father so angry at me. I probably haven't ever seen him that angry since. "We don't ever, EVER use that word," he said, his face red. "And I never want to see you make that gesture again. That is disrespectful, offensive, and it can really hurt people." I was horrified - not only because I'd made him so angry at me (something I rarely saw), but because I genuinely hadn't thought about the fact that the word was hurtful. I thought it just meant annoying. I had no idea of the implications and stigma behind its use, or how very upsetting it is to so many. 

Now I'm all grown, and I'm sure I've made my fair share of faux pas over the years. Nobody can get it right all the time, and we're always in a state of learning about language, what is okay, what isn't, and how to modify our thoughts and behaviors. I can tell you one thing though - I never used the word "retard" ever again. I cringe when I hear other people say it in a derogatory fashion. Seeing the visceral reaction it had on my Father forever soured me to the word and made me understand immediately how hurtful and derogatory it can be. 

My friend Ginger explains it so much more eloquently than I ever could in her own blog. Please, take a moment to read her heartfelt words about her daughter and how the word "retard" should be struck from our vocabulary. It's high time we reevaluated the words we use and how they can cause pain to people. 

Green Tea Ginger: You're So...

Mattel to Moms: You Just Don't Get How Boys Play

Cue the eye rolling. According to toy manufacturer Mattel, Moms who have young sons simply don't understand how little boys play, especially when it comes to toys like Hot Wheels.

This article, which appeared last week in Bloomberg Businessweek, details a meeting between a group of "Mommy Bloggers" and representatives of the world's largest toymaker, to discuss the apparent divide between Moms and the playing habits of their boys. Mattel claims that Mothers just don't understand the play patterns of their male youngsters, and why they love to crash, bash and throw their toys all over the place. The average Mom really doesn't get why toys like Hot Wheels, Matchbox cars and the like are so cool because "[she] has never played with them. She doesn't get why cars, engines, and all the shapes crashing and smashing are so cool."

At the meeting, the Mommy Bloggers were asked to create scrapbooks to reflect their family life, and were encouraged in a debate about toy cars and how they can benefit young boys.

Mattel is seeking to bridge the gap by offering up a special section on their website for Moms who want to learn more about the benefits of playing with toy cars. After all, Moms buy far more toys for their children on average than Dads do. The company wants to convey to Mothers everywhere that Hot Wheels and other toy cars are more than just fun - they help kids learn, boost creativity, and teach various other skills.

I'm just going to go ahead and give this whole thing a big fat FAIL.

First of all, the article didn't mention girl children even once, which leads me to assume that at this super important meeting, they weren't ever discussed. Newsflash: it isn't just boy children that play with Hot Wheels. Not by a long shot. In my experience, just about EVERY KID plays with Hot Wheels. Why? Because they are awesome.

The fact that Mattel would create a whole marketing strategy to try and bridge the divide between us poor befuddled Moms and our little boys without even attempting to include girls in the picture whatsoever is incredibly sexist. And where is Dad's place in this conversation? There are plenty of involved Fathers who might also like to enjoy being part of such a debate. Ah, but Mom is the one doing all the buying, and all the parenting (or so they assume), so Dad is irrelevant.

The assertion that Moms don't "get" the way boys play, presumably because we were never little boys and don't have the ingrained desire to crash, bonk and toss toys around, is quite simply, ridiculous. I have a three and a half year old son, and we play constantly. I "get" how and why he plays the way he does just fine. I understand the hilarity of throwing a toy car through the air. I understand wanting to race cars. I understand the impulse to collect one of every type and line them all up on the coffee table, and to crash them into each other, seeing which one is the "winner". I understand all of that, because I did all the same things when I was a kid.

I know, it's shocking, but it's true. Girls do play with toys that are "for boys" (simply meaning toys that are mainly marketed to boys, not that they are specifically for boys only). As a kid, I had more Hot Wheels, Transformers, and Tonka Trucks than I did Barbie dolls. Believe it or not, I loved to dig tunnels, race them, crash them, and take them apart. JUST LIKE BOY CHILDREN DO.

It's a pretty wide brush Mattel is sweeping over boy kids, isn't it? After all, there are probably plenty of little boys who don't play with Hot Wheels. Who enjoy coloring or Easy Bake ovens or even Barbie dolls instead. What about them? However will we understand the way they play without Mattel to guide us?

It is over-simplistic and patronizing to assume that Mothers with small male children have no idea about the way their kids play, and that we need to be educated (by the toy company that wants our money, no less) about how Hot Wheels are beneficial and promote creativity. I already knew that. I buy my kid a Hot Wheel or a Matchbox Car every time we go to a certain department store. We pick them out together. He has a massive collection, 90% of which I bought. So Mattel is right to want to market to me, I guess. The way they are going about it, though, is laughable. To imply that I, as a woman, am disconnected and uninformed about the way my child plays simply because I'm not a guy, is ridiculous. And not very likely to get me to spend more money with Mattel.

Unless

Sunday is reserved for thought-provoking pictures. 

Of course, this is a still from The Lorax, and not an actual photo, but since yesterday was the birthday of our beloved Dr. Seuss, I thought it fitting. The Lorax is my favorite of all of Dr. Seuss' books. It has a message that I really hold dearly. 

The word "unless" is a question in the mind, open to any possibility that you can fathom. It is up to you to decide the solutions to the problems you face, that we all face. There are a million different ways to step in and change things for the better. 

Dr. Seuss was full of silly, infinite wisdom, but I think his most poignant and truthful statement was thus:

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it's not. 

Happy Sunday!

Feel Like Making Cookies?

Sometimes you just need cookies. Cookies are powerful - they have the ability to charm people, make you friends, offer you comfort. Rarely do I see such glee on my kid's messy face as when he's chomping into a warm, chewy cookie. Lucky for him, our local grocery's bakery offers free, fresh-baked cookies to all kids under twelve every day. He's got it so good, and he doesn't even realize it.

When I first realized I had gluten sensitivity, I was unbelievably bummed. Not only would I have to do without bread, which was bad enough, but I'd have to give up cookies? I didn't know how I'd ever cope. After all, my favorite dessert of all time is the simple-but-perfect Toll House version of the chocolate chip cookie. For the longest time I just went without cookies, and I was very sad indeed. During this time of year it is especially hard because Girl Scout Cookies are EVERYWHERE. Doing without Samoas is a total bummer. They are the perfect fudgy combination of coconut and caramel and I looooooove them. Sadly, neither my wallet or my stomach feels the same way.

As I began to modify my diet and learn new methods of gluten free baking and cooking, I became more comfortable with playing around in the kitchen and trying out combinations to find things that would work for me. I knew I wanted to tackle chocolate chip cookies immediately, and I knew I wanted to use almond meal, because almond + chocolate is a match made in heaven. I'd also begun a recent obsession with coconut oil, which is good for you on so many levels (not to mention tasty), so I incorporated that in, too.

These cookies are so unique and so good that I would make them all the time even if I didn't have a gluten sensitivity. They are incredibly simple and take just minutes to make. You can omit the honey and substitute agave nectar, as well as using an egg substitute, if you would like to make them vegan.

No lie, they taste just like an almond joy candy bar in cookie form. Fudgy, coconut-y, with a hint of almond and vanilla. I have to sit on my hands to keep from eating the entire batch when I make them.

These cookies are undoubtedly delicious, but the best thing about them is that they are reasonably healthy. They contain a lot less sugar than most cookie recipes, and don't have all the refined flour and butter, either. Both coconut oil and almond meal contain many health benefits, so you can feel good about demolishing them.

Seriously, try them. Your mouth will thank you.

Double Chocolate Almond Cookies

1 ½ cups almond meal

¼ cup raw sugar

¼ tsp baking soda

¼ teaspoon sea salt

¼ cup honey

3 tbsp coconut oil

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla nut extract

splash of leftover brewed coffee

¼ cup semisweet chocolate chips

¼ cup white chocolate chips

Sift together dry ingredients and form a well in the center. Add wet ingredients one at a time and mix well. If the mixture is too dry, add a splash more coffee. Add chocolate chips, mix well.

Spoon dough onto well greased cookie sheet, and bake at 325 for about ten to twelve minutes.  

Enjoy!

The Reauthorization of VAWA and How We View Domestic Violence

I'm sure by now you've all heard the news that Congress has finally reauthorized the Violence Against Women Act, or VAWA. The bill to reauthorize VAWA won by a vote of 286 to 138 (every single one of the 138 who opposed the bill were, unsurprisingly, republicans). The bill included provisions for LGBT, Native Americans and undocumented victims of domestic violence (perhaps that would explain why so many republicans were opposed to the bill, but if I'm being honest, I think they would have been opposed either way).

The bill, which has taken republicans and democrats in Congress a year to hash out, will now make its way to President Obama's desk for his signature.

Initially drafted by the office of then-Senator (now VP) Joe Biden, the Act provides $1.6 billion towards the investigation and prosecution of those who do violence towards women, as well as operating several other beneficial programs and support systems to women who have been abused.

It seems like a no-brainer that there should be laws in place to prohibit those who do violence against women - and yet, republicans in Congress consistently vote against the bill, or try to redraft different versions with lesser impact. I can't help but wonder about the motivations of these Congressmen, and why they would seek to keep victims of domestic violence from obtaining justice, support and safety.

In recent decades, a great deal of awareness has been raised about domestic violence, and yet, many people are still cloudy about what it entails. Even those who claim to be sympathetic to abuse victims often end up victim-blaming, shaming or casually explaining away the abuse.

As a person who has been on the receiving end of abuse from a partner, I can tell you that there is nothing an abuse victim does to "deserve" or "bring on" the abuse doled out on them. Abusers abuse for various reasons - mental health issues, anger problems, a love of power, substance abuse, growing up in a pattern of violence, or a combination of these - they act out their behaviors in a cycle. No matter what the victim does, says, or tries to do to prevent the abuse, it will inevitably happen again, and again, unless some drastic change takes place. Sadly, often enough this drastic change is the extreme injury or even death of the victim. In some happier cases, the victim is able to get away from her abuser, or in rare cases, the abuser is able to seek help and stop the violent behavior. Statistically, however, this does not happen very often.

I can't tell you how many women (and a few men) I know that are, or have been victims of physical violence, verbal abuse, emotional abuse or some other form of domestic violence. The saddest part is how often I hear it explained away by those friends and family who should be offering them support and help. "Well, he shouldn't hit her, but she does bring it on herself." "I don't like how he treats her, but she's kind of a bitch, too." "I've seen her hit him before, though." "She has had so many chances to get away from him, and she keeps going back, so she must like it." "If she won't help herself, why should I help her?" These are just a few examples of the apathetic, ignorant things I've heard said about victims of domestic violence.

Look. It's not that easy. Domestic violence is a vicious cycle - a pattern of behavior that involves both the abuser and the abused, and one that is damn hard to get out of. It is simply not that easy to just "get out". Many women who have been abused go back to their partner at least two times before they are able to finally break free of the cycle of violence (if they are able to break free at all). Domestic violence often involves more than just physical abuse. It involves brainwashing, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, financial control and more. The combination of these makes it nearly impossible for the victim to just "up and leave". Often children are involved. Things like shared property, pets, or money are a factor. The victim may not have anyone to ask for help, or may not be able to afford to leave. They could be afraid that their abuser will not let them go without a fight. They could be fearing for their life. Perhaps their own pride won't let them admit they are being abused. Or, they may honestly love their abuser and don't want to "give up" on them. There are a million reasons that abused women do not leave right away, or ever. People who suggest that victims who don't get out must deserve what is happening to them, or worse, that they "like it" are, quite frankly, ignorant and devoid of empathy.

These attitudes abound in society, however. Just look at the ongoing saga of Chris Brown and Rihanna. It has been a tale dominating the news on and off for three years. It makes me shudder to think of how many young girls still idolize Brown and blame Rihanna for the abuse she suffered. And then you have the other half of the spectrum, those who blame Rihanna for going back to Brown, claiming that she should know better, that she should be a role model for young women, and that she's letting us all down by going back to her abuser. Why do we assume that just because Rihanna is a celebrity, and someone in the public eye, that she is above or immune to the cycle of abuse? Why do we feel that she owes us something? She's already been a victim once, and now we, as a collective, are abusing her all over again by making her private abuse our public debate. We blame her, judge her, and make excuses for her abuser. Both Rihanna and Chris Brown have admitted in interviews that they grew up around domestic violence - both have witnessed it first hand. It should not be surprising that they've found that cycle hard to shake in adulthood.

If my experiences have taught me anything, it is that there is no room in this life to judge others' decisions and actions. We're all fighting a hard battle. Those who battle with domestic violence have it harder still. Those women who are able to get out should be applauded for sure, but those who are not deserve more than belittling and judgement. They deserve compassion and understanding.

I hope that the reauthorization of VAWA will help to provide justice and support for those women, and that awareness will continue to be raised for victims of domestic violence.

A Portrait of Domestic Violence

Makers: Women Who Make America

So it may be a few days before I'm fully up and running and have unique, awesome content for you guys to snack on. In the meantime, I'd love to humbly suggest that you RUN, DO NOT WALK to see this amazing documentary that aired on PBS last night. Makers: Women Who Make America is a three part series hosted by Meryl Streep, celebrating the amazing women of past and present who have left their mark on feminism, and paved the way for women everywhere.

Makers: The Website

The documentary had me riveted from the get-go. I laughed, I cried. I loved hearing from notable women like Gloria Steinem, Judy Blume, Marlo Thomas, Oprah, and Hillary Clinton about what feminism means to them. Every woman (and man) should watch it.

Herro There!

Welcome, Readers!

After much careful consideration, navel-gazing, and frequent moments of self doubt, I've decided to start a blog. I'm thrilled to have you join me!

A very little about me:

I'm in my early 30's, am Mother to a hilarious, silly little boy, and live in the South. I wear many hats, but most importantly, I'm a Feminist, a vegetarian, an athlete, a wife, a mother, an artist, a foodie, a writer, and a friend. I toe the line between being a scientifically minded, sardonic, cynical young woman, and being a crunchy-granola, corduroy pants wearing, peace-loving hippie and naturalist. Usually I manage quite well at reconciling these two drastically different sides of my personality, but sometimes they clash, often with hilarious results. My favorite teacher in High School once told me that I was a paradox of epic proportions, and though that was almost 13 years ago, I don't think I've really changed much, at least not in that regard.

As a freelance writer with a frequent online presence, I've had the privilege of working for a number of women-centric blogs, magazines and websites, many with a focus on feminism, motherhood, health and nutrition, politics, fashion, and pop culture. I've leant my voice to a great many different sites and other magazines and publications, and have been lucky enough to participate in some great discussions about a wide variety of topics. I've learned a lot through my experience as a writer, editor, and administrator.

Too often, though, I've found myself scouring the web for websites, blogs and other media that fulfill my interests, of which are quite varied and well, all over the place. A forum where I can find things that appeal to my wide variety of interests, my lifestyle and my passions. There are countless websites for feminists on the internet, just as there are countless websites devoted to cooking, or art, or being a Mom. What I wanted was a “one stop shop”, where I could go to read hilarious stories from my peers about their goofy kids, or thought provoking pieces from fellow feminists on important issues, and then perhaps click over to find a great recipe. My blog is meant to be just that. It's a little bit of everything. Here, I will talk about Motherhood, writing and art, health and exercise, nutrition and food, current events (and yes, a little politics, though I'll spare you sermons when I can), books and media, fashion, and everything else you can think of - all mixed in with a heaping dose of good old-fashioned feminism (expect a post very soon about what feminism actually is, as opposed to the vile stereotypes that we're still fighting against. It never ceases to amaze me that we've made it to the year 2013, and many of our fellow successful, evolved, intelligent women still think feminism is a dirty word. But that's another rant for another time).

This blog is for me, to get out those things that bother me, that upset me, that make bowl me over with joy. The things I find funny, inspiring, and the things that move me. But this blog is also for you. Once we've gotten off the ground, I plan to open this blog up and showcase the opinions, ideas, art, and work of other like-minded individuals who would like to share their unique voice. I welcome submissions of photographs, art, poetry, essays, recipes and anything else you may care to share with us. My only requirement is that you be an open minded individual who cares about our environment, the equal rights of others, and basically, so long as you're not a total asshole, I'm happy to let you be heard. More information on the kind of submissions I'm looking for will be offered up later, so keep an eye out. Seriously, I want to hear from you!

This blog will often be funny, at times sad, and always thought provoking. I hope you'll stay along for the ride!