It Starts With Us.

You're probably wondering what else could possibly be said about the recent shootings at UCSB and the #YesAllWomen movement that has followed. It seems that the internet has blown up with it – for the past few days, women have been taking to Twitter and Facebook to lay bare their stories, bloggers on both side of the argument have been writing opinion pieces, and news outlets are picking out every nugget of a story they can about Eliot Rodgers and the women (and men) who had the misfortune of crossing his path. 

I don't want to focus on Eliot Rodgers at the moment. The lives he took and his heinous manifesto looms over our heads, of course, and colors the discussion, but the shooting at UCSB is only the most recent in a long list of crimes against women at the hands of men. So many of them got precious little coverage, if any at all. UCSB was the straw that broke the camel's back for most of us, because it isn't an isolated incident. A scan of the past couple of years brings scores of stories of women who have been raped, abused, beaten, harassed, bullied, and killed. These are literally just a tiny handful of the ones I saw this morning after a quick Google search: 

• This teenage girl was gang raped. Her classmates then decided to bully her about it, driving her to suicide. 
• This woman was drugged and raped by her own husband repeatedly for years. Her rapist will serve no jail time, and the judge actually told her in court to "forgive him".
• This young woman was stabbed to death after saying no to a guy who asked her to prom.
• These guys assaulted a 13 year old special needs child and were initially allowed to continue going to school with the girl they assaulted before serving jail time.
• This teenage girl sustained injuries from a beating by her own father after dancing with a black classmate at her quinceanera.
• Some popular high school guys raped a fellow student, and the entire town went out of their way to cover up evidence and defend their "promising" futures, while bullying and shaming the victim.
• This young woman was beaten to death with stones and bricks by her own family, in front of a crowd of onlookers, for marrying a man they did not approve of.
• Over 200 school girls in Nigeria were kidnapped and allegedly married off to rebels after daring to get an education.

These are literally just a tiny handful. A TINY handful. Just a small sliver of the reality that women face not only in this country, but everywhere in the world. This excellent post on Kinja talks about how so many women don't share their stories, or don't feel justified in talking about them, because "so many women have it worse". Society loves to reinforce that, too, because it keeps us from talking about what happens to us. It keeps us bottling it up inside, not confronting it, not making our abusers and attackers and harassers responsible for the way they treat us. It isn't always just fear that keeps us quiet. Sometimes it's survivor's guilt, sometimes shame, sometimes just the overwhelming fatigue of knowing you're fighting a losing battle. 

For my own part, I've experienced enough of this shit to write a hundred tweets. At my first job I was propositioned (at fifteen years old!) by my manager. He reprimanded me for a huge mistake I made and then suggested he'd "let it go" if I agreed to date him. I quit on the spot. At my next job at a big box store, I had a stalker. He came through my line multiple times per day and took my picture with a polaroid camera. Some days he'd give me the pictures. Other days he'd just make vulgar gestures. My own friends and family had to stand guard for me sometimes because my bosses didn't take it seriously. It was only after another customer saw him harassing me and called the police that they decided to take action. I was in an abusive relationship for years, and suffered horrendous mental and physical abuse by a partner I loved and trusted, who manipulated me into staying with him because he was mentally ill and "nobody else cares what I'm going through". After I finally wrenched myself free from him, I suffered from major depression for months because I felt so guilty for leaving him. Ten years later, that guilt still rears its ugly head from time to time. 

Those are just a few examples of my own reality, and honestly, they pale in comparison to so many other women. I'm just your average slice of the daily experience of being a woman. 

Enough has been written about MRAs and the Red Pill Movement and the new, dangerous #NotAllMen countermovement. I don't have anything to add to that discussion, except to throw my voice in with the chorus of people condemning it. It is ludicrous postulating, if you ask me. Yeah, guys, we know it isn't ALL men. We KNOW. Instead of trying to convince us that you aren't the big bad baddie we're talking about, why not instead take some time to educate yourself, and explore the reasons why these things happen to women. If you're a good guy, which I'm sure you are, then throw your voice in with ours and start helping us. Start condemning your fellow men for the rapes and beatings and murders they commit. Stop turning your head and pretending you don't see it. Stop making our stories about you. They aren't about you. 

That's where I stand on "not all men". But let's talk about women for a minute.

Women make up 51% of the population. We aren't the minority anymore, despite still being treated as such. We participate, whether we realize it or not, in the patriarchal culture that allows these travesties to happen. You do, and I do. We are brought up from little girls to actively participate in our own subjugation. 

Found this on Pinterest. Love it. 

Have you ever called a woman a slut or a whore? Have you ever judged a fellow woman for the way she dresses or behaves around men? Have you ever scoffed at an abused woman and wondered why she stays with that guy? Have you ever judged a parent for the way they allow their daughter to dress? Have you ever joked about getting out a shotgun when your daughter starts dating? Have you ever made fun of a friend's weight gain, or told her she was "too skinny"? Have you ever automatically assumed a woman "trapped" a man when she became pregnant? Have you ever blamed "the other woman" when a man was cheating? We don't even think twice about these behaviors, but they all contribute to misogynist culture, and we participate in it just as actively as men do. 

When I was in high school, I had a close friend who was a little more dating-savvy than my other friends and I. We were kind of in awe of her, because she was dating regularly and having sex and seemed to draw guys in like a magnet. We were envious of her, and it wasn't always pretty. I can still remember certain friends who would call her a "ho" behind her back, or joke with guys she had slept with about how she was "loose". I never participated in making fun of her, because she was a closer friend to me than she was to the others. But I was still complicit because I never spoke up for her, I never defended her. I stayed quiet and conflicted, because I didn't want the vitriol to be aimed at me. 

Our senior year, my friend went to a party with her ex-boyfriend, who she was still on friendly terms with. She trusted him and felt comfortable around his friends, all of whom were guys and girls she knew well. She told me she was going to the party with him because she was hoping they might get back together. She drank too much because she was nervous. At some point her drink was spiked. Her ex-boyfriend led her, stumbling and barely coherent, into a bedroom and placed her face down on the bed. She was then gang raped by him and several of his friends while unconscious. Witnesses at the party said that several girls were present, and stood around laughing while it happened. After it was over, they stole all her clothes and left her lying in filth on the bed by herself, while they all went out to another party. She woke up alone, drugged, with only a vague idea of the violence that had been done to her. She had to drive herself home at 3 a.m. wrapped in a bed sheet. Her parents punished her for going out. 

As for my friends? They weren't horrified as you would imagine. They scoffed. "What did she expect?" One of them said to me. "You act like a slut, you get treated like a slut."

Still, I stayed quiet. Because I was a coward. 

You may not have a story like this, but undoubtedly you have a story about a woman you've slut-shamed, maybe without meaning to. Someone you've made fun of, someone you've judged or criticized for her choices. Someone you've blamed for her own abuse, or someone you've looked down on for her circumstances. It would be a challenge to find a woman who hasn't done this at one time or another. It doesn't mean we're bad people. It just means we're victims in another way - victims of our own conditioning. 

I once ran into an old friend at a bar, and asked her how her best friend was doing. "She's dating some guy," she told me over drinks. "But it won't last, because she's such a whore. She fucks guys to get love and then they don't love her and she's single again." She was talking about her own best friend. This is the way we talk about each other. This is the way we view each other. 

We aren't responsible for our own rapes, our own abuse at the hands of our partners, or the way society treats us. It isn't our fault that we get paid less, or are expected to handle all the domestic duties, or have to keep up with an impossible standard of beauty and fitness to "keep a man". It isn't our fault that the second we come into the world in possession of a vagina, we're viewed as "lesser". That is not our fault, and I would never suggest it is. 

But we can do something. While taking charge of this movement, while breaking off our chains, we can also break off the chains of other women. The women who might not be strong enough to do it themselves. The women who may not realize they are imprisoned. The women who we've written off, "othered", looked down upon for their choices. 

Tina Fey said it best in the movie Mean Girls. 

Let's keep having the #YesAllWomen conversation. I hope it continues on forever. I hope we never go back to sitting complacent while these atrocities continue. The time has come for us to all stand up and say "No, I do not accept this. I will not be a casualty anymore." 

Let's remember, though, as we fight the good fight, that "charity begins at home", so to speak. We have to be good to our sisters. We have to be inclusive of their needs, open to their truths, and willing to embrace their differences. No two experiences are alike, and nobody is better or worse than another. A unified front is so much more likely to succeed than a divided one. It starts with us. 

A Hard Pill to Swallow

The following is a guest post by my friend and fellow writer Rebekah Kelley-Moore. 

I started this editorial two weeks ago after a late, sleepless night on Reddit. If you haven't been to Reddit (aka the “Front Page of the Internet”), I highly recommend you check it out. But be forewarned, you will not like everything you see there. They have what are called “subreddits”. There is a subreddit for everything. You like to indulge in Chocolate? Anime? Watercolor paintings? Or want to have your picture drawn by an amateur artist for free? There's a sub for that. I had looked through everything that peaked my interest and happened upon the “random subreddit” button. It was here, at 3 in the morning that I discovered a darker side to Reddit. “The Red Pill” Movement. Let the misogyny begin.

Before I go any farther, I feel a need to explain a bit about me. I am 35, and happily married. I have 3 crazy kids and a house full of animals. I was in the Army from ages 18 to 28. I can say with confidence that I understand and have experienced misogyny firsthand. As I am sure many of you Dear Readers have, too.

But this...this Red Pill movement...I was blown away. The “movement” is all about becoming an “alpha” male. How to trick “bitches” into bed with you. How women who DO sleep around are whores. How mistreating a women will make her want to jump into bed with you. How gender studies is useless. How feminists are “feminazis”. I am not kidding. I thought it was parody. It isn't. It's absolute bullshit. Rage inducing bullshit. It sounds like something some college fraternity kid came up with one drunk night after hitting on girls and getting nowhere. It was, frankly, laughable. I have linked to the sub. Be prepared : http://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/

And then it happened.

Saturday, May 24th, Elliot Rodgers shot and killed 7 people, himself included. He also stabbed three people in his apartment. All of his reasons were lined out in his manifesto. It was his “Day of Retribution”.

“Tomorrow is the day of retribution, the day in which I will have my revenge. You girls have never been attracted to me. I don't know why you girls aren't attracted to me, but I will punish you all for it."

Rogers frequented TRP and his videos, filmed days before his killing spree, touted Red Pill ideas. His manifesto titled “My Twisted Life” was 141 pages of his explaining how worthy he was of sex, how women are degenerates, of how he is everything any woman should have wanted. It was Red Pill garbage. I read the entire thing. There was something wrong with Eliot Rogers and it is my opinion that communities like TRP are enabling the behavior that leads to things like this.

So the question is: how do we combat this? Where does misogyny start? Those of us who are mothers, how do we explain this to our children, especially the boys about to go out into the world? How do we prevent this from happening again?

I feel so bad for the families of all these murdered kids. All over one boy's selfish inclination of entitlement. He thought that women ruined him. He thought he was owed sex and a beautiful women for simply being an “alpha” male. I pray these families, his included, find peace soon. No one deserved this. Even Rodgers himself, who was shaped by our misogynist culture into the violent man he became. 

Note from Tie Dyed Feminist:

It has been really heartening to see a small sliver of light come out of this tragedy. The #YesAllWomen movement has blown up into a force of nature in less than a day. If you haven't already, hop on Facebook, Twitter or Google and check out the hashtag to read enlightening, inspiring and often terrifying accounts of women who have experienced misogyny firsthand. Learn their truths and set your own truth free. 

A Winding Path from Religion to Spirituality

Today I have a rambling collection of thoughts (which are not very concise at all) to share about religion, spirituality, science and the labels we attach to them. 

I'm an agnostic atheist. It isn't a label that I bring up in many conversations, unless I'm asked, because I still adhere to the belief that it's impolite to push your religion (or lack thereof) on others. I'm well aware that I'm a dying breed in this regard - today, most people are pretty in-your-face about their belief systems; aggressively so. Not me. 

I actually have a pretty strong background when it comes to religion, though. I've never been ambivalent to it. I obtained my degree in World Religions (minor in Women's Studies, which will surprise nobody) in college, and even before that I was always interested - no, fascinated - by religion. I was born and raised Southern Methodist, but also exposed to Catholicism pretty regularly, as well as attending many Kingdom Hall meetings with Jehovah's Witnesses in our family. I participated in all of them with eager, wide-eyed fascination. In high school I became obsessed with Jesus (full disclosure: I think became enamored with the look of white, blue-eyed, bearded Jesus with a slightly lusty fervor that I find embarrassing now) and I devoured every book on Christianity and Christ that I could get my hands on. I collected Bibles (and read the "good book" three times from cover to cover during that period), wore a silver crucifix, attended Church regularly, wrote poetry and short stories about Christ and his disciples, and watched every movie and documentary I could get my hands on (the glorious irony of the musical Jesus Christ Superstar, which I loved unabashedly and still do, totally went over my head at the time). I was pretty fervent for a 16 year old. I was also impossibly flighty and dying to find some meaning, and once I'd bled all I could out of that faith, I quickly moved onto the next thing. Which was Buddhism. I threw myself into learning about the Buddha, and then when I realized I'd gleaned all of the truths I could from that, it was on to paganism. 

By the time I started attending college, and was eagerly sinking my teeth into the first of many religious lectures, I had become a Baha'i, which I remained for almost a decade. Baha'ism is rooted in the belief that all religions are valid - in the simplest of nutshells, most Baha'i believe that every prophet - Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, Muhammad and so on - are legit, so to speak. They believe that these men were all incantations of the same prophet, just appearing at different times and different places to bring the message to their various followers. They are all prophets of the same God, and therefore all religions are actually one. If only everyone in the world who believes in God would accept this truth, how many conflicts might be avoided? My idealistic mind clung to this. I accepted Baha'ism as my truth for a very long time, and if I were still a religious person, I'd most likely still be a Baha'i. 

Somewhere along the way, though, I lost my faith totally. Well, I didn't so much lose it as I cast it aside deliberately. The irony isn't lost on me that after obtaining a degree in Religion, and studying all the major faiths in the world, that I would become an atheist. It's ironic, but it isn't surprising. I've known other Religion majors who have taken a similar path. 

I'm not just an atheist though, in the sense that many people are. As I said above, I'm an agnostic atheist. I've heard some pushback from both religious people and atheists alike that this is not possible. "You can't be an atheist and an agnostic," they'd say. "Atheists don't believe in anything, period. Agnostics just don't know what they believe. You can't be both."

Ah, but yes, I can. I DO WHAT I WANT. 

Seriously, though - it's actually pretty simple. An atheist agnostic is simply a person who doesn't suppose there is a god - they've seen and heard enough evidence to support the assertion that there isn't - but they also are aware of the fact that we cannot see, hear or know everything. There is always room for error in the scientific mind. We don't have all the facts, so it is impossible to make a judgement call with 100% certainty. So yeah - I am pretty sure, almost positive in fact, that there is no god. But I'm not 100% sure. I'm open to the idea of one. 

I find the idea of being 100% absolutely certain of something to be distasteful. Life has proven to us again and again that we can't know everything about the universe, about ourselves. Why should faith (or lack thereof) be any different? 

I don't mind arguing semantics with folks, especially when it comes to Religion, because Religion is something that continues to fascinate me, even after I've abandoned it all together. It's true that so many atrocities have been committed in the name of Religion, but it is also true that Religion gives a great many people comfort and solace in a time of need. You won't find me judging those people, as long as they aren't judging me. I thrive on theological discussions and debates - it is one of my passions in life, after all.

What I don't like is being patronized, treated in a smug manner, or being talked down to by people who are religious and see me as somehow inferior because I am not. Often I want to rip out my hair when confronted with a person quoting a scripture that doesn't exist, or trying to tell me about a passage in the Bible that they can't remember properly. Even if I hadn't been studying religion and the Bible my whole life, I'd have the right to practice whatever belief system I see fit, and to assume that non-religious folks are somehow less educated or in need of enlightenment is self-righteous and disrespectful. We're all as qualified as we need to be to choose the life that fits us, regardless of whether or not we've read the Bible or possess a degree in religious studies. The fact that I have, and I do, just makes it all the more frustrating when confronted with outright lies, ignorance and misinterpretations. 

If I were still religious, there is no way I'd ever believe that God is hateful, or judgmental, or that he'd condemn one person who had done a million good deeds selflessly, and send another less-good person to Heaven simply because they went to church more. If I were religious, I'd be reading scripture and finding the wisdom and truth through my own insights, rather than listening to false prophets like the guy from Duck Dynasty, Pat Robertson or Sarah Palin. 

It bugs me to no end that it is assumed that atheists lack spirituality. I've seen so many memes floating around on social media, humblebragging about the poor lot of us pitiful atheists, how we have nothing to believe in, no beauty in our line of vision, no paradise to look forward to, nothing to praise. 

Clearly, anyone who believes that atheists are missing out has never watched an episode of Cosmos: A Space Time Odyssey (the old or new version). How can you behold the Universe in its magnificent glory and not feel your spirit move? I'm sorry, but Religion does not have a monopoly on that. 

I saw this video a few years ago and it made me cry like a baby. It changed my life, which is kind of embarrassing to say about a YouTube video, but it's true. It changed my life. I watch it and share it all the time. It brings me so much joy. 

In the past, Religion brought me joy, too. I've carried pieces of so many faiths with me in my journey. Who knows what the future will hold when it comes to my spirituality. I am open-minded, and eagerly anticipate the possibilities. People love to say that being an atheist must be so finite, so depressing, so utterly without hope, but I can tell you that isn't remotely true. It was only after I became an atheist (albeit an agnostic one) that I realized just how spiritual I really am. I'm in love with the Universe, and I have a very strong faith - mine is just in people themselves.