A Round Up

So, as you can probably guess, I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the case in Steubenville. I haven't as yet written them all down concisely, because it's been a doozy of a week already, and quite frankly, I'm tired. Us soapbox jumpers get exhausted sometimes, I can tell you. One day soon I'll write up all my feelings and thoughts about rape culture, misognysts, victim blamers, rape apologists and double standards, but today is not that day. I plan to go outside today and do some gardening and try my best to not think about Steubenville and how depressing it is.

There are probably a dozen of really great articles and blog posts I have read over the past week that talk about Steubenville and articulate my feelings on the subject. I'm linking two of the really good ones here for you all to read. I highly recommend you read both, because they are spot on.

I Am Not Your Wife, Your Sister, or Daughter. I Am a Person.

Great blog post that talks about how we try to use the whole, "What if she were your wife, or your sister?" argument to try and humanize victims and make people see the error in their ways, and why it isn't really the best idea. Good read.

Prevent Another Steubenville: What All Mothers Must Do for Their Sons

This, from the Huffington Post, really spoke to me a great deal, as the Mother of a young son. It talks about how the responsibility lies with us, the parents of young boys, to teach our children to be compassionate, to treat each other with kindness, and to always be empathetic and kind. You know, so they don't grow up to be rapists.

Let's hope the next blog post can focus on happier subject matter. For now, these are thought provoking pieces that I hope you'll all take the time to read.

A "Real" Woman Does What?

Today I'm going to vent about something that gets my ire up a bit. This week, the author of the "Twilight" saga, Stephanie Meyer, said that she identifies as a feminist. I'm ambivalent towards Meyer and her work (The "Twilight" saga isn't my favorite, I'll admit), but I was pleased to hear her identify as a feminist. It seems too often female celebrities and women of note are shy to use that term to describe themselves, for fear of how it makes them look, or because they are worried about alienating a male fan base. I always applaud women in the media who are unafraid to embrace feminism, because it can only help the cause.

Of course, there are plenty of people who were irritated by Meyer's statement, who argue that Bella Swan, the heroine in the Twilight books, is anything but a feminist. They argue that her entire identity is based on the two men in her life, that she wants nothing more than to be a wife and a mother, that she has no backbone or self-confidence. I actually disagree to an extent. Just to state it again, I am no fan of Twilight, and I find Bella Swan to be a pretty insipid character in a book chock full of them, but I do think there are aspects of her character that are strong. She knows what she wants, and she gets it, regardless of the opinion of the men in her life (her Father, Edward, Jacob). She bristles at being viewed as anything "weak". She goes to the ends of the earth to take care of the people she loves. Yes, she's simpering and whiny and takes a lot of controlling behavior from Edward, but there are also many positive aspects to her character, especially as the story progresses.

Enough about Twilight. I haven't even read beyond the first book, so I'm not trying to write a glorious review of Meyer's work. I'm just simply saying that to blast Meyer for calling herself a feminist is ridiculous and unfair. I really take issue with women telling other women they can't be feminists, or that certain qualities in their lives, their work, their families, etc somehow disqualify them from being a "true" feminist.

Which brings me to the next thing I'd like to talk about. A friend of mine linked this article by Kate Harding to her Facebook page last week, entitled: "Why I Lose My Mind Every Time We Have The Name Conversation". The author talks about how marriage is in itself a traditionally non-feminist lifestyle choice, but how occasionally feminists DO take part in non-feminist actions, and it doesn't make us any less feminist. The article is great. You should read it.

It did lead to a somewhat spirited conversation between my peers about "taking your husband's name", and why so many women still feel the need to change their surname when they get married. Some people argued that if you get married and take your husband's name, you can't really call yourself a feminist because what you're doing is so anti-feminist. You're essentially labeling yourself as property of your husband.

I really, really disagree with that.

For the record, I kind of took my husband's name. I compromised and hyphenated my maiden name with his last name, giving myself one of those long, drawn out, annoying last names that people in customer service hate having to deal with. I end up having to spell everything out on the phone no less than three times and usually the hyphen screws with their computer system. I wasn't particularly enthused about taking my husband's last name, but I did feel that it was important to me personally to have the same last name as any future children I might have. So I made the decision to hyphenate my two last names. It also felt like I was honoring the joining of my family and his, in a way.

Was taking his last name non-feminist? Okay, I'll give you that. If you look at it from a historical, patriarchal standpoint, taking the last name of your husband upon marriage is pretty backwards. It's definitely not pro-feminism. But just because an act once had a certain meaning or stigma, does that mean it always has to? There are myriad reasons that women change their names - they may like their husband's last name better, it may be easier to spell, they may not be close with their parents and don't want to carry the family name, or maybe they just want to have the same last name as their future children. Maybe they didn't think that much about it and just did it on autopilot, because "that's what you do". Is the act non-feminist? Sure. Is it ANTI-feminist? No. Does it mean the woman in question ISN'T a feminist? Absolutely not.

To quote the article by Kate Harding that I linked to above:

"...I don’t believe a feminist is defined as someone who never, ever makes a non-feminist, or even downright anti-feminist choice."

Kate is absolutely right here. There are plenty of things that women do day to day that may or may not be considered feminist. Simply because they don't know, or maybe they don't care. It could be argued that painting your nails or choosing to listen to Taylor Swift aren't feminist. I think it's ridiculous, but there are certainly people who argue those points.

Feminism is simply this: If you believe that women should be equal to men, and have the same rights and respect as our male peers, then you're a feminist. High fives. Welcome to the club. Beyond that, I don't care if you paint your nails or love romcoms or love or hate Rihanna and Taylor Swift, or if you take your husband's name or are fervently against taking your husband's name. I don't care if you're straight or gay, if you love the color pink, if you're a vegan or a meat eater, if you're Christian or Pagan or Buddhist or an atheist, if you are fat or thin or republican or democrat or if you've had a hundred sexual partners or zero sexual partners. None of that is important to me, and none of it is my business. It is not your responsibility to prove to me that you're a feminist. And it isn't my right to question you if you fall outside my personal opinions of what a feminist should be.

"Feminism is just about equality, really, and there's so much stuff attached to the word, when it's actually so simple. I don't know why it's always so bogged down." - Mia Wasikowska

Every time we put on our judgy hats and start questioning the choices other women make, we strip them of their autonomy. We're doing just as much harm as the patriarchy does, in some ways. Instead of giving women impossible expectations to live up to, why not redefine these old institutions, and celebrate women making choices however they see fit? The more we cluck and judge other women, the less we are taken seriously as a whole. Not one of us are the same. Let's celebrate that, and move forward in the spirit of acceptance.

International Women's Day

I'm celebrating being a fantastic female today, and reflecting on amazing women who have inspired and supported me. Who are your lady heroes?

Spread the Word to END the Word!

Growing up, I lived in a pretty lenient household when it came to expressing myself. I wasn't scolded or punished for using the odd "curse" word when I skinned my knee or got really angry. I was encouraged to speak my mind, and express myself in regards to whatever I felt. Of course, I was taught manners and didn't just let the curses fly willy nilly, but I was far from a perfect kid when it came to language. There was one exception: a word that I was never, EVER allowed to say.

I remember once, riding in the car with my Dad, coming home from some after school activity. I was telling him about a fellow student I didn't like, and describing their annoying behavior. "He's such a retard," I said, bringing my arm inward and tapping the edge of my palm on my chest several times, a gesture to emphasize my point. 

I had never seen my Father so angry at me. I probably haven't ever seen him that angry since. "We don't ever, EVER use that word," he said, his face red. "And I never want to see you make that gesture again. That is disrespectful, offensive, and it can really hurt people." I was horrified - not only because I'd made him so angry at me (something I rarely saw), but because I genuinely hadn't thought about the fact that the word was hurtful. I thought it just meant annoying. I had no idea of the implications and stigma behind its use, or how very upsetting it is to so many. 

Now I'm all grown, and I'm sure I've made my fair share of faux pas over the years. Nobody can get it right all the time, and we're always in a state of learning about language, what is okay, what isn't, and how to modify our thoughts and behaviors. I can tell you one thing though - I never used the word "retard" ever again. I cringe when I hear other people say it in a derogatory fashion. Seeing the visceral reaction it had on my Father forever soured me to the word and made me understand immediately how hurtful and derogatory it can be. 

My friend Ginger explains it so much more eloquently than I ever could in her own blog. Please, take a moment to read her heartfelt words about her daughter and how the word "retard" should be struck from our vocabulary. It's high time we reevaluated the words we use and how they can cause pain to people. 

Green Tea Ginger: You're So...

Mattel to Moms: You Just Don't Get How Boys Play

Cue the eye rolling. According to toy manufacturer Mattel, Moms who have young sons simply don't understand how little boys play, especially when it comes to toys like Hot Wheels.

This article, which appeared last week in Bloomberg Businessweek, details a meeting between a group of "Mommy Bloggers" and representatives of the world's largest toymaker, to discuss the apparent divide between Moms and the playing habits of their boys. Mattel claims that Mothers just don't understand the play patterns of their male youngsters, and why they love to crash, bash and throw their toys all over the place. The average Mom really doesn't get why toys like Hot Wheels, Matchbox cars and the like are so cool because "[she] has never played with them. She doesn't get why cars, engines, and all the shapes crashing and smashing are so cool."

At the meeting, the Mommy Bloggers were asked to create scrapbooks to reflect their family life, and were encouraged in a debate about toy cars and how they can benefit young boys.

Mattel is seeking to bridge the gap by offering up a special section on their website for Moms who want to learn more about the benefits of playing with toy cars. After all, Moms buy far more toys for their children on average than Dads do. The company wants to convey to Mothers everywhere that Hot Wheels and other toy cars are more than just fun - they help kids learn, boost creativity, and teach various other skills.

I'm just going to go ahead and give this whole thing a big fat FAIL.

First of all, the article didn't mention girl children even once, which leads me to assume that at this super important meeting, they weren't ever discussed. Newsflash: it isn't just boy children that play with Hot Wheels. Not by a long shot. In my experience, just about EVERY KID plays with Hot Wheels. Why? Because they are awesome.

The fact that Mattel would create a whole marketing strategy to try and bridge the divide between us poor befuddled Moms and our little boys without even attempting to include girls in the picture whatsoever is incredibly sexist. And where is Dad's place in this conversation? There are plenty of involved Fathers who might also like to enjoy being part of such a debate. Ah, but Mom is the one doing all the buying, and all the parenting (or so they assume), so Dad is irrelevant.

The assertion that Moms don't "get" the way boys play, presumably because we were never little boys and don't have the ingrained desire to crash, bonk and toss toys around, is quite simply, ridiculous. I have a three and a half year old son, and we play constantly. I "get" how and why he plays the way he does just fine. I understand the hilarity of throwing a toy car through the air. I understand wanting to race cars. I understand the impulse to collect one of every type and line them all up on the coffee table, and to crash them into each other, seeing which one is the "winner". I understand all of that, because I did all the same things when I was a kid.

I know, it's shocking, but it's true. Girls do play with toys that are "for boys" (simply meaning toys that are mainly marketed to boys, not that they are specifically for boys only). As a kid, I had more Hot Wheels, Transformers, and Tonka Trucks than I did Barbie dolls. Believe it or not, I loved to dig tunnels, race them, crash them, and take them apart. JUST LIKE BOY CHILDREN DO.

It's a pretty wide brush Mattel is sweeping over boy kids, isn't it? After all, there are probably plenty of little boys who don't play with Hot Wheels. Who enjoy coloring or Easy Bake ovens or even Barbie dolls instead. What about them? However will we understand the way they play without Mattel to guide us?

It is over-simplistic and patronizing to assume that Mothers with small male children have no idea about the way their kids play, and that we need to be educated (by the toy company that wants our money, no less) about how Hot Wheels are beneficial and promote creativity. I already knew that. I buy my kid a Hot Wheel or a Matchbox Car every time we go to a certain department store. We pick them out together. He has a massive collection, 90% of which I bought. So Mattel is right to want to market to me, I guess. The way they are going about it, though, is laughable. To imply that I, as a woman, am disconnected and uninformed about the way my child plays simply because I'm not a guy, is ridiculous. And not very likely to get me to spend more money with Mattel.

Unless

Sunday is reserved for thought-provoking pictures. 

Of course, this is a still from The Lorax, and not an actual photo, but since yesterday was the birthday of our beloved Dr. Seuss, I thought it fitting. The Lorax is my favorite of all of Dr. Seuss' books. It has a message that I really hold dearly. 

The word "unless" is a question in the mind, open to any possibility that you can fathom. It is up to you to decide the solutions to the problems you face, that we all face. There are a million different ways to step in and change things for the better. 

Dr. Seuss was full of silly, infinite wisdom, but I think his most poignant and truthful statement was thus:

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it's not. 

Happy Sunday!

Feel Like Making Cookies?

Sometimes you just need cookies. Cookies are powerful - they have the ability to charm people, make you friends, offer you comfort. Rarely do I see such glee on my kid's messy face as when he's chomping into a warm, chewy cookie. Lucky for him, our local grocery's bakery offers free, fresh-baked cookies to all kids under twelve every day. He's got it so good, and he doesn't even realize it.

When I first realized I had gluten sensitivity, I was unbelievably bummed. Not only would I have to do without bread, which was bad enough, but I'd have to give up cookies? I didn't know how I'd ever cope. After all, my favorite dessert of all time is the simple-but-perfect Toll House version of the chocolate chip cookie. For the longest time I just went without cookies, and I was very sad indeed. During this time of year it is especially hard because Girl Scout Cookies are EVERYWHERE. Doing without Samoas is a total bummer. They are the perfect fudgy combination of coconut and caramel and I looooooove them. Sadly, neither my wallet or my stomach feels the same way.

As I began to modify my diet and learn new methods of gluten free baking and cooking, I became more comfortable with playing around in the kitchen and trying out combinations to find things that would work for me. I knew I wanted to tackle chocolate chip cookies immediately, and I knew I wanted to use almond meal, because almond + chocolate is a match made in heaven. I'd also begun a recent obsession with coconut oil, which is good for you on so many levels (not to mention tasty), so I incorporated that in, too.

These cookies are so unique and so good that I would make them all the time even if I didn't have a gluten sensitivity. They are incredibly simple and take just minutes to make. You can omit the honey and substitute agave nectar, as well as using an egg substitute, if you would like to make them vegan.

No lie, they taste just like an almond joy candy bar in cookie form. Fudgy, coconut-y, with a hint of almond and vanilla. I have to sit on my hands to keep from eating the entire batch when I make them.

These cookies are undoubtedly delicious, but the best thing about them is that they are reasonably healthy. They contain a lot less sugar than most cookie recipes, and don't have all the refined flour and butter, either. Both coconut oil and almond meal contain many health benefits, so you can feel good about demolishing them.

Seriously, try them. Your mouth will thank you.

Double Chocolate Almond Cookies

1 ½ cups almond meal

¼ cup raw sugar

¼ tsp baking soda

¼ teaspoon sea salt

¼ cup honey

3 tbsp coconut oil

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla nut extract

splash of leftover brewed coffee

¼ cup semisweet chocolate chips

¼ cup white chocolate chips

Sift together dry ingredients and form a well in the center. Add wet ingredients one at a time and mix well. If the mixture is too dry, add a splash more coffee. Add chocolate chips, mix well.

Spoon dough onto well greased cookie sheet, and bake at 325 for about ten to twelve minutes.  

Enjoy!