Create Magic For Your Kids (If You Want To).

This week a friend showed me an article entitled  I'm Done Making My Kid's Childhood Magical, thinking I would find it interesting. I certainly did. The title hooked me from the get-go, and I read the author's thoughts on childhood and parenting with interest. She raises a lot of salient points about the materialistic, never-good-enough society that we live in, and the pressures it puts on parents of young children to constantly create "magic" for their kids. We worry that if we don't give our child everything, that they'll feel neglected, damaged, or not measure up to their peers. We take on the nearly impossible task of giving our children the "perfect" childhood, when in fact that can never exist, and we focus so strongly on creating those perfect moments that often we lose sight of the comfort and security that being grounded in every day life will give them.

I get it. I agreed with a lot of what the author had to say. As a whole, we're so focused on giving them everything, on being these perfect, model parents, on never showing the cracks beneath, that we lose sight of the real goal of raising our children. We never want to admit we could fail, or that our children might see us as anything other than perfect. We put that pressure on ourselves, and society, the internet, and social media only make it worse.

As a parent, my job is to provide my child with a structured, supportive, loving home in which to grow, learn and thrive. I provide him with guidance, unconditional love and support, and keep his basic needs (and a few wants) met. That's it. 

I really feel that it is that simple. I provide him with a home, with support and love, and allow him to become who he is. I feel that any parent who does these things for their children is a successful one, and the little details don't particularly matter to me. As long as your child is healthy, happy and has autonomy over themselves, you're doing a good job. 

Everyone views parenting differently, however, and the article suggests that those parents who strive to be creative, to always be doing some activity, are doing their kids a disservice. 

Bunmi Laditan, the author of the piece, says, "Since when does being a good mom mean you spend your days creating elaborate crafts for your children, making sure their rooms are decked-out Pottery Barn Ikea masterpieces worthy of children's magazines, and dressing them to the nines in trendy coordinated outfits?"

Nobody ever said doing those things makes you a "good mom". I'm sure there are plenty of moms who aren't really so great to their kids who are big on Ikea and making crafts. Just as there are plenty of really great moms who barely have the time to sew on a button, much less stop to play, and don't have the cash to buy their kids new clothes. Most of my kid's clothes come from the thrift store, or hand-me-downs, as it happens. But would it matter if they didn't? Nope. 

I also rail against the idea that "crafty" parents are the same as materialistic parents. We are talking about two very different things here. There are parents who spend a lot of money on their children, be it their wardrobe or their toys or their education, or what have you. That is their prerogative. Some parents have the cash flow to do that for their children, and some do not. None of my business either way. Then you have parents who are into doing things with their kids, be that crafting, playing games, baking/cooking, making music, hanging out outside, and so on. Again - I can't see the problem. Surely there are worse things than enjoying spending time with your children, and wanting to provide them with happy memories and one-on-one time?  Then of course, there are parents who are busy with work or housekeeping, who don't have time or money to provide their kids with much beyond meeting their basic needs, love and support. Again, you'll see no judgement from me. 

We're all shaped differently as parents. We all have different sets of priorities, different methods, different time and money constraints. There is no "right way" to do it. All of the parent types I mentioned above are fine. All are good. The author speaks against our culture and its air of competitiveness, of our incessant need to give our kids perfect memories. The same could be said, though, for judging other parents. Why do we feel the need to do it at all? Can we not validate our own choices without putting down another's?

I dislike the assumption that "crafty" parents must be somehow more privileged than other types of parents. It should be considered that perhaps some parents simply cannot give their children nice things, like new toys or fancy clothes or even great food. But they CAN take time to play with their kids, to make them things, to give them experiences that will show them love, nurture them and fill them with wonder. And yes, allow them to live vicariously through their children. Any parent who says they don't do that in one way or another is probably lying. And there is nothing wrong with gaining happiness through watching your kids be happy. Nothing at all. 

As you've undoubtedly guessed, I'm one of those "magic creator" Moms. On any given week, you'll see me cutting out and drawing elaborate paper versions of action figures for my son, in the kitchen baking from-scratch cupcakes with him, going on nature walks with our family and friends, playing elaborate games of hide-and-seek, tag and I Spy (he cheats), helping him "write" his own stories and make greeting cards for his friends, building barely-held-together bird houses and lizard boxes for the creatures he wants to examine, planting seeds for our garden, and more. We've made homemade chocolate together. Yesterday we made granola bars. We draw pictures of our family unit in chalk on the sidewalk. He has "jam sessions" out in the garage with his Dad, who is a musician. Our home is filled with play, with learning, and with creativity, much of which I suppose I "manufacture". 

I even do the elaborate-themed birthday party thing (though on a budget, and most of my cakes look like something out of Cake Wrecks rather than something you'd see on a fancy Pinterest Board). 

Nailed it!

I don't do these things because I'm trying to fake-out my son with a bunch of phony memories of happy things. They ARE happy things. There is nothing phony or contrived about it. We do these things together because they are fun. Because we're buddies. Because he asks me to. Because we love to spend time together. Because we're creative people. It's how we roll, and I would never apologize for it. 

I might be a "crunchy bitch", as my best friend calls me, but I'm a busy one. In addition to being a parent, I have two jobs, my writing career, and my own interests and hobbies to cultivate. I have a lot to keep up with, and I stay busy. So it isn't all baking and making art all the time. There are plenty of moments where my son is parked in front of the tv, having tablet-time, outside running around on his own with the dogs, doing homework, playing by himself in his room, or watching youtube videos on my computer. He gets plenty of alone time, time to make his own "magic". 

The article's opening paragraph says, "If our grandmothers and great-grandmothers could see the pressure modern mothers put on themselves, they'd think we were insane."

I'm not so sure. 

My own Grandmother used to sew me Barbie clothes. Just because she wanted to. My Mom would sit around with me on the floor and play me her favorite records. My Dad made it a point to take me to baseball games and concerts. My Great Grandmother showed me how to bake a pineapple upside down cake when I was 5 or 6. My Stepmother actually worked on a screenplay with me (the very first I ever wrote) when I was a teenager. Her parents took me to Disney World, to the Bahamas, and to dozens of museums. I don't believe any of those people did those things because they wanted to present me with some perfect childhood (and mine was far from it) or spoil me. They did it because they loved me and wanted to spend time with me. They wanted me to be well rounded, creative, and happy. None of those things involved spending tons of money or being anything other than who they were, or who I was. 

I don't think we, as parents, act any different than parents and grandparents did decades ago. I think it's more that with social media, and sites like Pinterest, we just see it more. People are able to share ideas more easily, and promote their goings-on with their friends and family - it's more in your face. I do think it's probable that social media makes parents who can't or don't want to be "crafty" feel bad. And that's not fair. I agree with the author that shameless self-promotion and bragging about their kids is something that people should not do. It creates that air of competitiveness that is so prevalent everywhere today - and about our kids. I find the idea of comparing your kid with another person's kid to be really repugnant, and it sends those children a horrible, messed up message.  However, I think the problem lies within social media, and our culture of oneupmanship, more than it does with parents who simply want to do things with/for their children. 

We're talking about parents of both sexes for the most part, but let's talk about Motherhood for just a moment. Women are already under so much pressure as it is - you've got to be thin, beautiful, smart but not too smart, funny, a good sport, the perfect girlfriend/partner, able-bodied, unoffensive, pleasant - throw the pressures of Motherhood into the mix and you really can't win. I tire so much of arguments between mothers about the right way/wrong way to do things. It starts before the kid is even born - you've got women getting into scuffles over natural birth vs c-sections, breastfeeding vs. not breastfeeding, and everything in between. Now we're arguing about the best way to love your kids. Hands off? Hands on? Do we give them everything, or give them as little as possible? Do we play with them, or let them do their own thing? Do we talk to them honestly and frankly, or shield them from hurts? And no matter the conclusions we reach, someone will tell us we're doing it wrong. 

But the actual answer is that we're all doing it right. If you care enough to ask "am I a good parent?", the answer is probably yes. 

It really has nothing to do with being crafty or not.